Audience of One

2:45

This is my new record for a monologue cleverly disguised as a phone conversation.

Bill & I have been friends for over twenty years. We don't see each other often because we both move regularly and frequently, but I'm starting to think our "friendship" should be redefined...he probably couldn't tell you what I do, where I live or if I'm single. Our phone calls, you see, consist entirely of BILL.

This summer, he:

• quit his job of seventeen years in order to enjoy life and travel
• took second in a Mr. Speedo contest (why would someone admit to owning a Speedo?).
• learned how to sail on Martha's Vineyard with James Taylor
• went to the Emmy Awards, where he sat behind and talked to the cast of Desperate Housewives
• talked to Donald Trump
• met and discarded 72 soulmates (fortunately, I had the sense to lie about picking up my son somewhere before he could carry on about his love life)

Hmmmm. No wonder we never talk about me.