12.31.2008

A fool and his money are soon partying

To end the year with a bang, I cashed out my 401K retirement fund rather than roll it over to my new employer's program. It was down 38%, which I could've done all by myself and enjoyed a whole helluva lot more. I laugh in the face of penalties! Well, that and common sense.

I'll probably remember this day when I'm 65 and want to kick my own butt...

12.24.2008

Merry Hana-Kwanza-Mas Festival!


[Crackhead Kennedy sitting atop a family heirloom/Budweiser wooden crate Christmas gift to my son...between that and a post-dated check, I'm guaranteed a slot in the mother of the year selection for 2008. Surely.]

12.22.2008

I say BAH, you say HUMBUG!

$98.67 to ship Christmas packages to arrive Monday. That would buy six twelve-packs of Bud Light or eight boxes of wine. Is it any wonder I hate the holidays?

Next year, gift cards. Period.

[And an expression from my grandmother Hope, via my dad from an out-of-town parking lot internet connection: "I have a dual personality, not a split one." That would explain a lot.]

12.18.2008

Abby Normal

My dad, hands down, is the quirkiest individual I know. Oh, sure, it's funny when, once a year, he cancels his phone, internet and cable services. Any idea how frustrating that is for his drunk-dialing descendants living in different states?

I called to harass after receiving his "preparing to disconnect" email, and was eventually able to leave a voicemail (after dialing a series of previous phone numbers), "How do you expect me to be normal* when you set this kind of example? Huh?"

*which is funny, actually, because I've never been a big fan of "normal". It seems like a synonym for boring.

He took my message and transferred it to his portable voice recorder, to serve as a reminder - go normal! Am I the tiny voice of reason in his life?

12.14.2008

Mon Ami

Why do I always think I want to be friends with ex-boyfriends (to fill the void after another ex has returned to his home in Ohio), but after they show up at my house with a big wad of chewing tobacco between cheeks/gums to help pick up a Christmas tree, then fall asleep while watching football on my couch and start snoring so loudly I have to go into another room, it occurs to me: what the hell was I thinking?!

12.10.2008

Sacré Bleu!

I couldn't possibly write another bitchy email to Ed bemoaning the fact that he has all the Christmas trappings, ornaments and candles from 15 years of marriage, while I have an assorted, tangled group of randomly blinking lights and no lids to pans. Not tonight, no, but tomorrow looks pretty good.

(I've started hearing little French phrases in my head at odd times, which is weird because I don't even speak French).

12.07.2008

Hot mess of a train wreck - that'd be me

My parents have been divorced for over 25 years, and they're probably better friends now than when they were married. It doesn't seem weird that my mom would cook the best Thanksgiving dinner spread, and invite my dad and his wife, along with Patrick & me. This may be the root cause of my skewed view of the universe.

I met Patrick in Atlanta, then continued the drive to Michigan with all the rest of the holiday travelers and state troopers. As we drove through Ohio, I thought of Dalehole, and wished I knew where he lived so I could pull up in his driveway and suprise/scare the crap out of him (it's a weird stalking issue or odd sense of humor I have, but it's under control. Mostly). Instead, he called me!

I usually don't answer when he calls, but occasionally I will, if only to practice proper tones of aloof and casual disdain. "Who is this again? Dale? Oh, yeah, yeah..." Really, why would I want anyone, especially him, to know how hard I fell, and how much it hurt when we stopped talking? Reject me? I think not.

He told me he'd be in Alabama for two weeks - did I want to hang out? Grab some dinner? Go to the beach? Sure. Whatever. Maybe if I wasn't too busy.

We've been together since Friday afternoon.

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."
- Marilyn Monroe

11.18.2008

Velocity = Distance/Time

If, by "speed dating", you mean hanging out with ex-boyfriend Crazy Dan on Saturday night, then promptly ignoring him Sunday when he went back to his clingy, pestering, annoying self full of round the clock email, then, yes, I've speed-dated. Note to self: drinking alone isn't that tragic.

A rather momentous weekend, as I also broke my self-imposed age barrier and had dinner with a FIFTY year old. Yes, fifty. It's not a huge age difference, but since I'm still 28 in my mind, I wonder what he's doing with such a younger woman. Pervert.

11.11.2008

Baby Got Back (End Damage)

I must have a mesmerizing rear end, or much better brakes combined with cat-like reflexes, since I've had two separate collisions (that were not my fault) in recent years. What I assumed to be superficial paint damage is estimated at around $800, requiring super high gloss, a new bumper and 3-5 days to repair at the dealer. In Montgomery. Geez. That's not inconvenient.

Maybe I should've stuck to driving 2-1/2 ton trucks?

Appreciate our veterans today and every day!

11.08.2008

Hey, good lookin', what'cha got cookin'...

You can probably tell a lot about someone by their grocery lists. Frankly, I'm a little concerned about mine:
  • beer
  • wine
  • mop head
  • cat food
  • toilet paper

My last job came through with a check for my accumulated 4 WEEKS of vacation pay in the nick of time, fortunately, so I was able to pay for groceries without auctioning off a kidney on ebay or taking in a roommate while waiting for the new position payroll to come through. I believe, at this moment, my glass is half full. Duh. I have beer and wine.

11.06.2008

Dell-utopia

A 24" Dell flatscreen computer monitor at work. That's how much I've been upgraded with my new position (I feel like I'm hanging out at the drive-in, minus the pickup truck, lowered tailgate and salty snacks).

Unfortunately, it's accompanied by some dual-core, 2 hard drive, automatic backing up, louder-than-a-jet-plane-landing CPU, and the monitor had to be sent back because it was defective. Outstanding news o' the day: our installation hasn't switched to Vista!

11.03.2008

Kowalski

If one more of my neighbors plants a McCain/Palin sign in his yard, I might possibly stomp on the accelerator, jump the curb, and plow into it. It could happen.

End signage!

11.01.2008

51% Responsible

“I was so much older then. I'm younger than that now.”

- Bob Dylan

My sister Tiffany emailed the other night to get my address in order to mail a check (that our dad had sent) for her auto registration, over a month late (September), and from the wrong state (Colorado). Minor details.
By now, you are hopped up on some barbituates and sleeping pills (Elvis cocktail, anyone?) so chances are you will (A) sleep walk to your computer with a pop tart in hand and read this e-mail or (B) read it at 4:00 when you awake from your drug-enhanced slumber.
She may be insightful and hilarious, but I'm still more responsible...

10.30.2008

Cuff Me

When I was pregnant, a million and eighteen years ago, my blood pressure topped out at a whopping 200/160. I was living alone in a foreign country (Alabama), a supersized seizure waiting to happen. I'd drive to the hospital every day so they could check the numbers, "tsk, tsk", and tell me to stay in bed. The little dumpling was born, and my ferocious headaches ended immediately.*

*rather, they morphed into a 3-dimensional boy.

Upon starting the new job Monday, I was required to visit the Occupational Health Office. My blood pressure was high, higher yesterday, and, continuing with the trend, highest today. Of course, driving to the hospital twice a day, looking for a parking place, and being told to relax is stressing me out! The headaches are killing me...but at least I'm not pregnant.

10.27.2008

Loquacious Rickster

My family cell phone plan is no longer sufficient. I spend more in overages than the actual cost, so I called AT & T for some pricing and contract information.

Me: I'm trying to decide whether to increase the minutes in my plan or get one without my 18 year old son, who talks too much.

Customer Service: Kick his ass to the curb!

10.26.2008

Work as the Curse of the Drinking Class

In August, when my Aunt 'Ricia and cousin Tamara stopped by on their drive from Michigan to Las Vegas (yeah, maybe we're all geographically challenged), we were excited to visit the Hank Williams museum in Montgomery, Alabama. The tradition is to do a shot of whiskey over his grave, since he had supposedly gotten thrown out of the Grand Ole' Opry because of whiskey on his breath. Actually, I think you're supposed to leave the shot, but we are not a wasteful crew.

Alabama law forbids the sale of alcohol on Sunday, but fortunately, we had connections: my sister Tiffany's boyfriend's mother had a stash of travel-size shot bottles, which she smuggled into the nursing home to her mother every week. As we were leaving, she asked if any of us had to use the restroom, to which my son Patrick replied, "Aaaaaah do," in the thickest southern accent I have ever heard.

Tomorrow is the first day of my new federal job. When I get sworn in, I'm gonna raise that right hand and say, "Aaaaah, do!"

10.23.2008

Strangelove

Driving to the dentist this morning, I was overanalyzing wondering why a man supposedly dating me would suggest/encourage breast implants and hair extensions. Is honesty in a relationship really so great? Would it be so difficult to accept shortcomings without pointing them out first? I found no answers (as it was only a ten minute drive).

I entered the office and was greeted by a woman in line, who turned and said, "I love you."

I knew no one was behind me, so I smiled and hoped she would realize we had never met.

"It's your insides," she said. "They're beautiful - I can tell - and I love you."

I had always wondered if my spleen was ravishing. Fortunately, there were only a few minutes of awkward small talk before they called me back for teeth-cleaning fun. It turns out my insurance company approved a crown for a cracked molar, but the deadline is tomorrow, so the receptionist managed to squeeze me in. Let's hope I'm ushered into the back before enduring more declarations of love or group hugs.

10.18.2008

Rambling Gambler

During this time of financial uncertainty, while most of my (older) co-workers are freaking out about the downward spiral of their 401K accounts and lamenting the stock market, I am psyched. If I retired today, I could maintain my current lifestyle for two months, which is still 84% longer than ever before.

Currently flat-ass broke, I decided to take my grocery budget (who am I kidding? It's a beer and popcorn fund), and buy more stock in my favorite retail chain on Friday. Then, to increase my odds in successful dabbling, charged a bunch of clothes there on Saturday. Oh, the financial empires I could have founded on shaky ground...

I'm a rambler, I'm a gambler
I'm a long ways from home.
And if you don't like me, well leave me alone.
I'll eat when I'm hungry and I'll drink when I'm dry,
And if moonshine don't kill me, I'll live till I die.
- Clancy Brothers

10.14.2008

A picture is worth...more than 6 words

Apparently, I should be more specific when posting my latest employment news and a photo from a long weekend in North Carolina with my platonic, yard boy boyfriend*. The new job is still in Alabama - the government equivalent of the position I currently hold. There'll be way more responsibility, and slightly less pay, but at least I'll still be working incredibly long hours. Truth be told, it's been my dream job for years.

*Mike & I have been going out for over two months, but I'm not exactly sure if we're dating. He takes care of my "honey do" list like installing ceiling fans, hanging blinds, and all the yardwork every week, but there's no romance (maybe he's playing hard to get? Sly.).

We drove six hours to his parents' place in North Carolina for a long weekend in the mountains. I can safely say I'll never hike in flip flops again.

10.13.2008

9.30.2008

Table for One

My weekend consisted of: a four-hour drive to Atlanta, a flight to Michigan, a funeral, two nights without quality sleep, a four-hour drive to Savannah, then six hours in the car to return home. To top it off, a text message from Mike, whom I've been "dating" for two months, asking if my phone was broken. I thought I was having doubts about him - now I'm sure of it.

My aunt Pat suggested I wouldn't find love until I was ready for emotional intimacy. Perhaps she's right, but I don't believe I'll be ready until men stop sucking.

9.25.2008

Uncle Joe


I love little baby ducks, old pick-up trucks,
Slow-moving trains, and rain
I love little country streams, sleep without dreams,
Sunday school in May...and hay
And I love you, too


Joseph William Quinlan: July 23, 1949 - September 20, 2008

8.31.2008

Saintly

Mel says he can't live without my photos.

Perhaps I exaggerate.


[One of the bridges near the Market Street Brewery in St. Louis, which I didn't need to cross to get to my hotel room, fortunately. The tricky part will be to submit my expense report to the corporate office to explain the quantity of "brew" taken there. They should be more specific regarding sustenance]

8.25.2008

Groundhog Day with Elvis

It occurs to me, as I sit here wrapped in a towel in a hotel room in Memphis, with my clothes hanging over the bathtub, that I should have had more foresight to choose clothes (or deodorant or a comb), instead of books, when informed that my suitcase was 3 lbs. overweight during check in. That suitcase is probably now in Montgomery, Alabama. Alas, I am not.

Flights were grounded, cancelled and delayed due to the tropical storm in the Southeast. I've never been afraid to fly, though I'm starting to dread hours spent at gates and definitely see a pattern with routes through Memphis.

I was in St. Louis last week for a drinking/work conference (bonus: discovering an amazing brewery with my friend Mel), which I parlayed into a weekend visit to Wisconsin to see my friend Holly. I couldn't ask for more fun or better friends, but after ten days out of town, I wanna go home...

6.25.2008

NORTH-let-us-cancel-your-flights-WEST

I am so incredibly irked at Northwest Airlines and their malfunctioning air carriers right now! Rage-filled, am I!

Last week, we (somehow) arrived at the airport in Montgomery on time, only to discover that Northwest had cancelled our flights and rebooked the next day at dawn's early light. We spontaneously decided to drive two hours further, to Atlanta, because we are nothing, if not a family bonded together by spontaneous road trips. Two of our rescheduled tickets were upgraded to first class, which made the extra travel more tolerable. Free drinks and extra-large leather seats go a long way.

Quin-la-palooza was fantastic, and Patrick stayed an extra week in Michigan bonding with my parents. I was driving up to Montgomery to pick him up tonight, when he called to tell me his flight had been cancelled. I'm all for adventure and spending quality time apart, but stranding my 18-year old son in Memphis, Tennessee? Irreprehensible.

When they say "it's not the destination, but the journey",  I'm guessing they never flew Northwest Airlines.

6.12.2008

Southern Branch of the AuSable

We're headed to Michigan for a family reunion this weekend, sponsored, hopefully, by Budweiser and Jack Daniels. Smooth travel eludes me - I usually get speeding tickets or miss flights - but today I'm having to factor in an additional two family members. Patrick has video games and battery chargers in his bag, but I'm guessing gave no thought to toothpaste or clean underware. Tiffany, on the other hand, is deathly afraid to fly and probably hasn't packed yet because it causes anxiety. We're picking her up along the way - let's hope she's out of bed, and the Xanax has kicked in. One day I would like to be the spontaneous, carefree passenger, not stressing the planning, costs or execution of a trip. Details, bah!

I couldn't decide which of my ex-boyfriends to ask to stay in my house while I was away, so I hired a certified Pet Sitter to come over twice each day to take care of the crew, get the mail and water the plants. Peace of mind only costs $17/day.

[Like a Rolling Stone - Jimi Hendrix Experience]

6.09.2008

Just hear that whippoorwill

Montgomery, Alabama is 1-1/2 hours away, and, unfortunately, also the location of the nearest Audi dealer for servicing my car (don't ask me what I was thinking when I bought the damn thing. If my brain was an 8-cylinder, I'm regularly only firing up 2 when it comes to important decisions. But, hey, at least I don't think with a penis).

When I informed my personal auto dealer, Mitch, that the "check engine" light was on, he said, "Oh, don't worry about that, baby. I'll have one of my drivers take it up to Montgomery for service and give you a loaner in the meantime."

I should feel guilty about such preferential treatment, but...well...I don't!

[Midnight in Montgomery - Alan Jackson]

6.03.2008

Zen and the Art of Graduation

Patrick's graduation took place without incident, mostly because I was the perfect pseudo-adult when interacting with Ed and his father as we stood outside on my driveway for fifteen minutes discussing auto maintenance. I had told him that he could bring his live-in girlfriend if he wanted, that's how much I was over him, but he wisely chose not to.

Three-day BamaJam is headed to my small Alabama town for three days. Included in the line-up are Hank Williams Jr., ZZ Topp, Lynrd Skynrd and a crapload of other country music stars. I'm not sure, but I don't think I could care less.

[This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody) - Talking Heads]

5.29.2008

There's No Place Like...High School

This sign, which is pocked and marked from flying debris, is the only physical reminder Patrick has from his high school, which was destroyed when an F5 tornado hit it in March 2007. Eight students were killed, crushed from the collapsed roof and walls of the Science Wing.

Truthfully, I wondered how he'd get through Elementary School with all his stubborness and disruptive antics, regularly being kicked off the bus and spending so much time in the Principal's office, but tonight's graduation ceremony marks the official end of his public school career. Commencement speaker, First Lady Laura Bush, will be on hand, attempting to impart some wisdom to the EHS Class of 2008.

Will I feel sad watching him walk across that stage? Or will the joy of getting his crap out of my house, taking his key and changing the locks, completely overshadow any empty-nest thoughts I might be inclined to have? Woo hoo! [I'm kidding!]

5.17.2008

Click It or Ticket

A case of Bud Light must weigh the same as a small child because my car's annoying, beeping reminder every thirty seconds to insert the passenger's seat belt won't stop until I buckle up that beer. Safety First.

5.14.2008

Is That Tat Taken?

Sadly, Tiffany and I did not get matching day-after-Cinco-de-Mayo sister ankh tattoos on our wrists because the 'artist' was giving off such a negative vibe. Truth be told, it was more of an asshole vibe.

Since we already have the same Q family crest tattoos on our shoulders, we thought it would be a hysterical grand finale if I were to also get the same sun on my ankle that she has because really, how many matching tattoos can two sisters have?

5.05.2008

Drama Catalyst

Last fall, I stopped dating Crazy Dan when his long distance girlfriend, Lise, contacted me about their relationship. We hatched all sorts of devious plans to officially bust him, but after she forwarded all our emails to him, I just eased my way out of any dealings with both of them. Until yesterday.

Dan and Lise were recently engaged, so she's been hoping to strike up some sort of friendship with me since she'll be moving to town. They invited me over for drinks, and I can safely say I harbor no ill feelings great enough to pass up free alcohol.

It was awkward for about 6 minutes. After that, we sat out on the patio and laughed, had great conversation and genuine fun. Lise and I are very similar in looks and interests - I could see how Dan would be torn between us.

Around 11:00 pm, Team Drama took over.

Dan (to Lise): I KNEW you were still a lesbian...!
Lise (to Dan): And I knew you were still in love with her...!
Me (to myself, rather awkwardly as they started fighting and throwing stuff): Uh...I'll just take this beer and let myself out. You guys have a good night...

Lise called today to apologize, told me they had broken up, and asked if I wanted to go to the beach sometime.

4.30.2008

How I Love My Job, part 32,500

It's been ten years since the E.P.A. (Environmental Protection Agency) visited my military base, so they've descended en masse for the week, unannounced, to make our lives hell. It's a multimedia event, which means they're looking at every aspect of our environmental program.

I normally work 10-12 hour days, but this week I'm having to neglect my work load so I can traipse around in heels, answering questions and hoping they don't find any violations worthy of a $32,500 fine per day.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; and the ability to bowl inspectors over with bullshit...

4.25.2008

Bling Diet

I've discovered the most amazing diet aid ever: the engagement ring* from my ex-husband. I slip that sucker on my left hand and have a constant, shiny reminder that no one will ever love me again, which leads to a mini bout of depression, which means I don't eat.

*Admittedly, I was bummed that the damn thing wasn't stolen when my house was broken into, and that the jeweler who sold it would only give me 25%, but in the end, it's cheaper than liposuction.

Does anyone ever get over that first love? Or just look for distractions until the old memories are blurred? Oh, yeah, who cares? I'm on my way to a size six, baby!

4.23.2008

Call It.

I've been playing a game with my dentist for over ten years. He prescribes antibiotics, which I'm supposed to take before cleanings twice a year because of my heart, but don't, of course (turns out I prefer to stockpile pills to wash down all at one time with beer. Not funny, I know), but lie when he asks and request another script as a cover. Oh, the little rebellious things I do to amuse myself.

Now, however, the party's over: the dental powers that be have decided antibiotics are no longer required for people like me. To top it all off, a lifetime of nachos and popcorn has cracked another tooth, requiring crown #2.

Pass the applesauce and geritol.

4.21.2008

Insult + Injury


It's not enough that I fed my grubby little face continuously for five days out of town and my pants are a little snug? Do I really need Delta calling me out?

4.19.2008

St. Francis in Tucson

After my week-long social frenzy in Tucson, otherwise known as a work conference, I've come to the conclusion that people in my field must all be crazy, gambling alcoholics...or we naturally gravitate towards one other like beer-seeking missiles. No matter.

I told Patrick before I left that if he fed the cats (as opposed to locking them outside the entire week I'm gone, as he's prone to do), took care of the mail and other minor cleaning chores, AND I won at the casino, I'd give him $50. If, on the other hand, I lost? He'd get nothing. I have a good feeling about this year's Mother of the Year committee visit.

As I was standing in line at the hotel registration to get directions to the casino, four other conference attendees told me to come along with them - they had a designated driver! We must've talked about work a little bit - I have scribbles on bar napkins to prove it - then drank and threw down $100 bets with reckless abandon.

Once home, I gave Patrick some money so he could join his buddies at the beach for this final weekend of Spring Break, then found a styrofoam bucket full of fish in the office (?). I bought a glass aquarium, some plastic landscaping and fish food, only to find out they're bait for Patrick's new fishing hobby.

I also found out from Tiffany that my new pseudo-fiancé was out with another woman Friday night - thank goodness my impulsive self didn't jump on that wagon!

4.14.2008

Poor Little White Boy

Apparently, Audi's* have an automatic-lock safety feature, so if you're at the gas station early in the morning, you have to call your cranky-ass teenager at home on Spring Break seventeen times so he can bring your extra set of car keys. I knew I should have paid more attention in German class so I could understand the manual.

*YES! I have a new car! My personal auto sales manager, Mitch, called me up last week when a woman traded in her 2006 Audi A4 (turbo!). I wasn't interested, until I broke the console in my old car and the door leaked (again!), so he gave me a deal I couldn't pass up. Payments are $2 less/month, and all I have to do is have a beer with him. I'm hoping he'll agree to pay my next speeding ticket, but we're still negotiating.

I was planning on spending the morning doing taxes and packing for my trip to Tucson, but I had to go into work first because the shady, misogynistic, money-grubbing 32 year old white male supervisor I demoted last week has filed an EO complaint behind my back. Really? Is that the best you've got?

4.10.2008

Purgatory Daytrip

I blame my shitty week on the fact that I completely overdid it at the gym on Tuesday. I spent the rest of the week limping, wishing for a body cast for ancient hips out of socket and a broken gluteous maximus monumentous. Is it possible to never learn a lesson?

I had to demote one of my supervisors for consistently being the world's biggest greedy-ass hippie, who completely bypasses me in all things important. He covers his mistakes with miles of saccharin-coated bullshit, but fortunately my managers told me to correct the situation as I see fit. Bonus points for arbitrary rules. Monthly reports must now be submitted in Times New Roman, 10 pt. font, single-spaced and bulletted and brown shoes must only be worn on Tuesdays. Get back, Loretta.

4.02.2008

Tying the NOT!

I met Steve when my sister Tiffany invited me up to a redneck bar in Troy, where she lives, for St. Patrick's green beer. He's a youngish fifty year old, who danced and bought plenty of rounds of green pucker and melon shots (how did we imagine these were tasty?) for us. Needless to say, he ended up with my phone number. I should probably just start handing out business cards to strange men.

When we went out again this past weekend, I was telling him about Tiffany's new job as a bartender at the country club, so he suggested we go there for dinner. He's a member, so we sat with the mayor, while Tiffany waited on us. Unfortunately, Steve's a Miller beer distributor, and I can't help but think I'm drinking swamp water off a sweaty teenager* when I drink Miller products.

*When I was sixteen, my friends drilled a hole in the bottom of a can of Miller Lite, drained it, then replaced the beer with water from the river. They sealed the hole with a bead of adhesive, so that the container still went "pffft" when I pulled the top, then took a giant swig. This was obviously traumatic.

On Saturday, Steve proposed to me, but I had to decline the offer since I had nothing to wear. I've come to the conclusion that older men must be desperate - afraid of dying alone with no one to take off their boots.

3.17.2008

Darby O'Gill

"Then you can forget the tears an' troubles of the world outside. There's nothin' but fun and diversion here!"

3.10.2008

There's no such thing as a free lunch...

...oh, wait a minute: yes, there is!

I frequent a Mexican restaurant outside the gates of Ft. Rucker, where the nachos are smothered under six pounds of cheese and the Coronas never end. When possible, I schedule work lunches there, and occasionally meet dates (one week, I met three different men there for lunch - it was a fluke, seriously).

Today, as I was waiting in line to pay, the owner came over and told me how grateful he was for all the business I brought - and told me lunch was on him. Next step? Bar tab...

3.09.2008

Extra Sensory Breakup

I tend to assume everyone else is on the same page I am, yet that rarely seems to be the case. Christian has called three times, leaving messages about wanting to see me this weekend.

My break-up skills, obviously, need a little work.

3.06.2008

November Spawned a Monster

Apparently, my maximum tolerance for a man is three months - it's officially over with Christian (though I should say "unofficially" because he's been waiting for ME to call HIM and I have no intention of breaking the silence with a dumping). There were no major problems - just a series of cumulative pet peeves and I'd rather be stoned to death with popcorn than deal with them another day:

  • I have no problem dating a poor (monetary-challenged) man, but a tightwad, cheap boyfriend who makes more than I do, and hasn't taken me out in three months, but still manages to come over and drink all my beer? Thanks, but no.

  • This might be irrational, but I don't like people who sleep more than 6 hours/night.

  • He doesn't believe in evolution, fossils, or carbon dating. Seriously. Gravity is also a theory, and I may not understand the complexities of it, but that doesn't mean I won't land on the floor if my drunken self falls off a bar stool.

  • He'd complain about my Netflix movie choices. She who pays, chooses!

  • Chewing tobacco. Just...ew!

  • How endearing that he has no cell phone or internet? Nope. He's too cheap and was hoping I could add him to my family plan.

  • He watches competitive fishing shows. Day and night.
  • Tell me, again, about all the fish in the sea??

  • 2.23.2008

    Single White Leo

    How come I'm always dating someone on their birthday, dropping hard-earned cash on dinner and a gift, but when my birthday rolls around, I'm alone? Starving and giftless.

    I'm guessing this is the real reason singles ask one another their signs before dating.

    2.07.2008

    The Theory Debunker is IN

    24 years driving. 13 speeding tickets.
    [Is that as bad as it sounds? Oy]

    As a self-proclaimed speeding expert, I've had this theory: if you overpay your speeding ticket by $1, the books never get closed because the city clerk will never send a rebate check for the difference, so your insurance company never finds out. Ignorance is bliss, you know, and I delusionally hoped my rates wouldn't reflect my "I need to see your license and registration, ma'am" status.

    Perfect in theory, not-so-perfect in reality.

    After my most recent "68 in a 55" (on New Year's DAY! Apparently, I need a designated driver to get places while I'm sober), I procrastinated* too long and had to make the payment in person.

    *which comes first: the procrastinator or the speeder?

    I handed the city clerk a money order for $121, so she attempted to give me $1 change. I said, "Oh, no, that's a tip. I don't want it."

    We argued back and forth for a while, and as I was pocketing the change (those city clerks are badasses, I tell ya'), I asked her about my theory. She informed me that if I had mailed in too much money, they simply would have raised the fine to the amount sent, so the ticket would be closed.

    What's a poor lead foot to do?

    2.01.2008

    Adult-ish

    I might be twisted. My sister TQ showed up at my house last night, suffering from her freshly broken heart and weighing about 88 pounds - I'm so envious! She tends to get sad and anxious, which prevents her from eating - and also makes her a cheap date at the bar. When I saw her, I realized I needed a strong bout of depression, myself, because I've been happy for 3 months and happy equals fat in my food-is-tied to everything world.

    Sorta-boyfriend Christian is out of town in a week-long fishing tournament in Georgia so TQ and I headed to the bar and met up with some of my ex-coworkers. Drunk (and sober) me doesn't hold grudges so I got along fine with those asses...oh, yeah, I think I hugged Jessica from behind, soaking wet from dancing in the rain. Several times. Yep, irristible.

    This morning, as I was wandering around in last night's wet clothes, with my hair sticking out at right angles, looking frantically for my work cell phone (my personal cell phone died recently and I still haven't been able to find that one, which is somewhere in the house, I'm sure of it!), my 17 year old son passed in the hallway and said, "You know you're an adult, right?"

    [Garbage - Happy When It Rains]

    1.25.2008

    Flashbacks, version 5.5

    Because I'm a conscientious recycler with lots of (ancient) material, I'm participating in a rehashing, linking exercise Monty passed my way.

    The rules are simple: post 5 links to 5 previously written posts related to key words, then tag 5 more people to do the same.

    Family - my parents kick ass, Feliz Navidad & Honey, we're home

    Friends - an ex-friend after this fight, To Wipe or Not to Wipe

    Yourself - Speed Racer crashes, No Fault

    Love - love in the drive-thru, I SAID Super Size

    Anything I like - Finger Prick

    -----------------------
    Now to pass the torch (I'm a giver - that's what I do). If they know what's good for them, the following people will also participate: Pirate Kay, Slicksumbitch, fellow cat-lover Haphazard Kat, Brenda aka Junquedujour, and my sexy 6 cousin Kelly.

    [Galileo - Indigo Girls]

    1.16.2008

    Louie Louie

    I'm living large* this week in the 17th largest city in the United States at a conference with 1632 other attendees. Louisville, in case the brochure tagline wasn't an obvious reference.

    *not so much large as FAT. There's something about having my company pick up expenses that causes me to eat several large meals per day, including Crab Ravioli with pesto and snacks from Starbuck's. I might possibly need an intervention.

    As I was walking through the hallway in the Conference Center this afternoon, I passed by a familiar face (conveniently attached to a body) that I knew from somewhere. I turned around to stare, as he did the same. My first sergant from Ft. Lewis, Washingon in 1988 (!), here from Ft. Bening, Georgia. He asked if I kept in touch with anyone else from our unit, but other than awkward, accidental yearly visits with my ex-husband, sadly, I did not.

    The husband of one of my friends/co-workers is a contestant on this season's "Biggest Loser", so we all gathered (and dare I say bonded) together last night while watching the episode with with beer, pizza, and chips. Ironic, no?

    Thought for the week: do not, under any circumstances, attempt to shave your legs in the bathtub, while talking on your cell phone. It will end badly.

    [Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen]