Poor Little White Boy

Apparently, Audi's* have an automatic-lock safety feature, so if you're at the gas station early in the morning, you have to call your cranky teenager at home on Spring Break seventeen times so he can bring your extra set of car keys. I knew I should have paid more attention in German class so I could understand the manual.

*YES! I have a new car! My personal auto sales manager, Mitch, called me up last week when a woman traded in her 2006 Audi A4 (turbo!). I wasn't interested, until I broke the console in my old car and the door leaked (again!), so he gave me a deal I couldn't pass up. Payments are $2 less/month, and all I have to do is have a beer with him. I'm hoping he'll agree to pay my next speeding ticket, but we're still negotiating.

I was planning on spending the morning doing taxes and packing for my trip to Tucson, but I had to go into work first because the shady, misogynistic, money-grubbing 32 year old white male supervisor I demoted last week has filed an EO complaint behind my back. Really? Is that the best you've got?


Mike said...

The auto-makers keep adding automatic 'features' like this because they feel that the average driver is incapable of making decisions like locking their doors (or not) on their own. There is probably some 'secret handshake' you can do with your car to disable this - it could go something like this:

1. Turn the ignition switch to ON, but DO NOT START.

2. Wait for the safety belt warning light to go OFF(1-2 minutes).

Note: Steps 3-5 MUST be completed within 60 seconds.

3. Buckle, then un-buckle the driver's safety belt 3 times, ending with the belt un-buckled.

4. Turn on the headlights, turn off the headlights.

5. Buckle, then un-buckle the driver's safety belt 3 times, ending with the belt un-buckled.

Note: After step 5, the Safety Belt Warning Light will be turned on for 3 seconds.

6. Within 7 seconds of the safety belt warning light turning OFF, buckle then un-buckle the safety belt.

If you have followed these 6 simple steps correctly, you will have just disabled the seat belt nag in your Ford F-150 pickup truck (driver side only, lather, rinse, repeat for passenger side belt). I don't know bupkis about Audi's though. Good luck...

Colleen said...

Mike: Step #7 for an Audi seems to be doing the hokey pokey and turning yourself around. That's what it's all about... ;)

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you could set up a pre-pay plan for your speeding tickets. They might even offer a discount.

The new car's extra performance should be useful to mow the fucker down.

junquedujour said...

WOW! $2 more a month to spend on bud light! there really is a beer god, huh?

Colleen said...

Monty: Pre-pay my speeding tickets - fabulous idea!

Brenda: even my guardian angel carries a 12-pack... ;)