Dead Girls Don't Wear Plaid

Here I am demonstrating the proper stubborn ready-for-battle pose in plaid with slightly turned up collar:


Short and Stupid

Summer, 1973: I decided to take the slowwwwwww train to death's door by...overdressing myself to death. Two weeks, every day, I wore 5 layers of clothes: tights, corderoys, winter coat, boots, hat, etc. and played outside in the yard (of course, it was Michigan so the high temperature. was probably only 70 degrees F.). My parents wanted me to be myself and never interfered. There's probably a good reason I'm an only child.


obsessive-compulsive-impulsive trigger finger

Pronunciation: im-'p&l-siv

1. buying LOTS of clothes without trying on any

2. putting in an offer and buying a house after looking at it ONCE (over the internet)

3. getting married to a man you've known 4 months

4. booking a house on the beach in Florida for next week without bothering to tell your boss you've decided to take a vacation

5. see Colleen


The Tooth Fairy Strips Again

Chipping my tooth in the AuSable river was probably one of the most excruciating thing I've ever done. My family own 3 of the 5 canoe liveries in a small town in Northern Michigan. Yes, it's technically a monopoly, but we spend enough on beer in town that no one really minds.

Living in small towns means there is rarely anything going on...well, besides alcohol. Or how to get alcohol. This particular night, we had been drinking and playing Truth or Dare when one of us was dared to strip and float down the river, from one livery, under the bridge, to my uncle's house. Apparently, it seemed like such a a great idea, that we all joined in. We grabbed cushions, and floated and laughed our way downstream.

The river in the summer is about 5' deep and generally clean. Unfortunately, one of my greatest fears in life is...SEAWEED. Yeah, yeah, I know it's stupid, but it freaks me out if I think it's going to touch me, so when someone decided to swim under me and graze my legs to scare me? It worked. I yelped and tried to jump out of the water, but being drunk means the plan never traveled from my brain to my limbs for execution. I managed to smack my mouth into the concrete portion of the bridge. It was excrutiating, honestly.

Two members of the group (fraternal twins) lived above a drug store, which their mom owned in "town" (located at the ONE traffic light). Since we were now on the other side of the river, opposite most of our clothes and I was busy whining (okay, crying), we decided to run the four blocks into town, break into the store and get Anbesol to numb my tooth and shut me up.

Five drunken, half-dressed, wet teenagers running down the streets of a small town...not something you see every day.

A list for the XY's

MEN...here's a handy "honey don't" list...cut and paste for future reference:


1. run over my cat

2. leave the toilet seat up or put the toilet paper on the roll "under"

3. tell me you'll divorce me if I ever weigh over 130

4. friggin' talk to me about politics if you're just going to call me an ignorant liberal

5. grind your teeth while sleeping - it makes me want to sucker punch you in your stomach

6. open my mail or eavesdrop on phone conversations

7. forget our anniversary...every! single! year!

8. throw away debit card receipts

9. put a key logger on the family computer


Out of the closet

I can't figure out WHY I don't have a significant other...

...unless, of course, it's because I'm a FREAK!


Working on my plumber's crack

I tend to avoid my son's bathroom (see no evil, hear no evil, avoid urine spots on the floor) so when I tiptoed in for a Kleenex yesterday, I was surprised to see his tub full of water - HOURS after he had taken a shower. "Oh, yeah" he said, "it's been doing that all week." Common sense might dictate he MENTION it earlier, but apparently there's no place for logic in a teen boy's brain.

Armed with gloves, a plunger, Drano and a twisted hanger, I spent a good half hour fixing the drain, to finally emerge victorious with the BIGGEST, nastiest, blackest fur/hair ball I have ever seen. I told him to quit shaving his legs (*eyeroll* accompanied by that "my mom is such a dork" look). He was sufficiently grossed out and I've vowed to stop giving the dog baths in there.

Yes, I share in the responsibility in the creation of this monstrous hair clog. I use the hand-held shower massager to give the dog baths in the tub because she's afraid of water and slippery porcelain walls are the best way to pin her down. Hard to believe, but she runs from the hose - and I'm quite sure she doesn't know how to doggy paddle. One year we took her to the beach, and she stood on the shore, watching the other dogs run and frolic in the surf. Heartbreaking, it was. She's not little and you'd think a 45 lb rottweiler/chow would be a little less fearful.

I suppose I'll load her up and haul her fur-shedding self to Petsmart. I just hope they have the coconut-scented conditioner she likes.


Are you finished with the newspaper yet?

I generally leave all the doors in the house, including the one to the bathroom, open.

If I don't:


Granny Clampett busts a move

A few years ago, I was living in Kentucky when my then-husband was sent to Bosnia. At the end of my son's school year, I wondered why I was staying in Kentucky when my family was in Michigan enjoying life and beer without me.

Being Miss Independent, I rented a U-Haul trailer and single-handedly packed our belongings for the trip north. Space and volume estimation have never been my strong suits, and it seems I sorely underestimated the size trailer needed to haul one house worth of stuff. I planned on leaving the following morning, so, much to the neighborhood's delight, out on the curb FOR FREE, I left: a couch, loveseat, king size waterbed, kitchen table, assorted household goods and one slightly-dented storage shed (seems my drinking buddy thought she had the car in reverse when it was actually in drive - she drove into the shed and knocked the Harley over....oops).

I did, however, manage to fit all my books, cds, houseplants, cat and son so the journey wasn't a total loss.