12.14.2010

The ed is the beginning is the ed.

I saw an email in my inbox the other day, "Get rid of ED".

A little presumptuous, I thought, to assume I wanted to off my ex-husband. He's kind of large - wouldn't there be evidence? I clicked it open, only to discover Ed is more commonly referred to as 'erectile dysfunction'. The things you learn.

I had always heard that recovery time from a divorce is equal to half the time you were married, but a little rejection goes a long way: I'm ahead of schedule by about 2 years. My (non-ED) boyfriend and I recently celebrated our year anniversary and I did not even freak out. Not even a little. I've been through enough cheap, crazy, cheating, lying toads - I deserve this.

11 comments:

nottwittter said...

Sounds promising...or at least not shit. Make sure you remember to give yourself some credit for that, on both counts.

TiffanyBerry said...

That spam mail will get you every time. I once had an important message from Tara. I opened to find out this "tara" character had read my tarot cards... and to click the following link to find out my future.

kittycat said...

That was too freakin funny.
AS for recovering from a divorce or even a relationship where you were in love and the other didnt feel the same. I think it does take for ev er!

Good luck with the new guy.

New here

Kittycat

flooz said...

I was accidentally listening to a radio program by a urologist. A guy called in and said he was now a "eunuch" following prostate surgery, and he wasn't dealing with that well. I felt sympathetic with him, but the doc had some encouraging medical ideas for him. At almost the end of the program, the caller said he is 82. WHAT!!!!! I'm still furious. Although I guess it's not his fault that none of the guys I wanted are still living.

But I'm real happy you're happy (I THINK that's what you were saying). Glad you got a good one.

Anonymous said...

Dear Colleen,I've been reading the Quinlans for many months now after being invited by Tony. I love your slightly snarky sense of humor,makes me laugh! And I can say even without knowing you for (thirty?thirty five?)years that yes, you do deserve a good one!
and I,like you I think,color co-ordinate my closet and love cats!
Dee

terri said...

My heart just smiled for you right through my face.

If there is anyone I love that deserves a one year anni full of good things, it's you.

:)

daffodilmouse said...

yes you DO. Now enjoy it!

ColleenQ said...

It's so sweet of all of you to agree with me!

Dee: "slightly snarky" - I love that! I would, actually, color coordinate my cats if I could. I'm really glad you're part of our family again after all these years. :)

Erin Q. Hartman said...

Colleen,
Your much happier not married... you have way too much to offer, and if they don't get who you are... then they have lost big time.
Divorce it just happens.....if they are not the one...Ed wasn't the one!.. Your an incredible women.. celabrate you!

Laoch of Chicago said...

Small steps.

kittycatlane said...

I'm in favor of the, "kill them and then feed the body parts through a wood chipper,"
OR....
First, be smart from the very beginning. Pulverize all teeth, burn off fingerprints, and disfigure the face. Assuming you have it inside a house where you can work on it a bit, the first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the ribcage can put apply a fair amount of suction to the artria. Do this in a tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed. Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it's in the tub.
f you want to bury, I recommend seperating the body into several parts, and burying them seperately. For one thing, it's easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head than for an entire body. this reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave.
That is the one thing you can't do inside the doors of your house, and represents a vulnerable moment you want to keep brief, under 2 hours. Do it between 3 and 5 am. It's also less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an enitre body. They may assume it's an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It's also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference. A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It's not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn't want to go. Anyway it's wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes.

Don't return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You'll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you'll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.
Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you're get really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accelerates decomposition, while providing a convenient cover smell.
Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don't try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don't over-use it, or power drills or saws. They're noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It's better if you actually remove one of the toilets in your house from its base, which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that enters your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that. And plug that pipe when you're not using it, to prevent any sewer gasses from backing up into your house. Usually, a U-trap inside the toilet does that for you.
(Thanks scarabic) BIG HUGS, Steph