D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts

The last time I drove to Hartsfield International Airport in Atlanta:

• I forgot about the time difference (Eastern time zone, an hour later)
• I drove like a maniac
• ...when I noticed a state trooper coming in the opposite direction, so I headed for a service road then pulled into someone's driveway, hoping to evade him.
• I didn't - he took his sweet ass time and handed me a speeding ticket for 77 mph in a 55 mph zone ($220)
• I finally found a parking spot at the airport, juggled with all my luggage and found out I missed my flight anyway
• ....and had to reschedule for the moring ($50 fee)
• Then stayed at the Holiday Inn ($110)

The lesson: invest in a really good radar detector. Bastards.

[I'm hoping today's trip is a little less eventful].

The Last Supper (needs more butter)

My summer vacation is coming to an end as my prodigal son returns from six weeks spent with grandparents in Michigan. I'm excited to see him, of course, but realize this will probably be the last night for my dinner of choice: bud light and popcorn (uh, could you supersize that?). I don't know whether my ex- was happier to see me leave, or this monster bowl.

My son has flown solo since age seven, when he flew from Germany to Massachussetts, and has been doing it ever since. The airline keeps all the kids under fourteen in a room together, stewardesses help them find the next gate, and we've never had any problems. He's in a grey range age now, though...between 15-17 means I can still pay a little extra for supervision OR let him handle it himself. I booked a nonstop flight to Atlanta so he will officially be flying AS. AN. ADULT. (that's a new wrinkle between my eyes, isn't it? Argh).

Bad news for me: I'll be driving a little over four hours to pick his ass up, then turning around to come home. Note to self: pick up AAA batteries for his mp3 player. Yes, fine, I admit it...I missed him.

Four alarm picnic

Our fire alarm went off at work this morning, as I was in the middle of extremely important and urgent work (blogging). Our building is old, the alarms unpredictable, and last time the firemen were called out, they got so pissy to see us all sitting around ignoring the blasted noise. This time, we decided to grab some sodas and wait outside for their imminent arrival. I plopped open the tailgate on my truck, shook off some sandy towels and leftover chips from my trip to the beach last week, and we had a nice little picnic (the cooler held only empty bud lights - I checked).

The firemen took fifteen minutes to get there, then another 15 minutes to clear the building - all that equipment and heavy clothing in this heat - no wonder they're so crabby. I think I have a semi-redneck tan going on my neck and arms, though, suh-weet!

Sometimes I love my job.

A rolling stone gathers no effin' moss, or any damn thing else.

This rant is brought to you by the letter F.

I'm a laid back person, rarely get too upset or irrational, and try not to rely on a potty mouth, which is supposedly the sign of a poor vocabulary (my mom's idea of cursing? "SHOOT!") and upbringing. Today, I say: fuck that.

The thing I hate most in the world: M-O-V-I-N-G (!!). After 46 moves in THIS lifetime, I cannot take it. As a shy person that gets lost easily, it sucks giant, cellulite-ridden ass. I want stability, a garden to keep, a place where neigbors recognize my face!

Divorced 2 years ago and moved from a gorgeous house (location A) to a 3rd floor apartment (location B). I pinched my pennies, drank Bud Light instead of Corona, and bought a house (location C) and moved in last October. In December, when my ex- received orders to Iraq, we thought it would work out best if I moved BACK into his house (location A) so my son wouldn't have to change schools again.

When he had trouble in school in April, I pulled him out and started driving him to the school in the school district of MY house.

Fine, now it's time to start another school year. I was going to kick out my tenants and move back to MY house (location C), gradually taking boxes and stuff during the year [total: this will be 4 moves in 2 years]. My ex, though, has a two week break from Iraq and has decided to sell his motherfreakin' house. This means a FULL move, including furniture, separating dishes, etc. and for what? For him to go BACK to Iraq and leave his crap in storage. He pisses me off. No, my son pisses me off more. Pass the goddamn tape - I have boxes to pack!

P.S. I wouldn't be surprised if the damn post office refuses to forward any mail addressed to me...

Do Not Feed the Animals!

Are you going to eat those tots? [Getting tatted]

My sister convinced me to play hooky from work on Wednesday so we could spend the day at Panama City Beach bonding - okay, so she didn't have to try that hard to convince me...er, it might have been my idea. With our fifteen year age difference, I told her we'd stay until someone asked if I was her mother.

We lugged our big cooler, towels, paraphenalia and music down to the beach as a few clouds starting rolling in. [Sidenote: she's afraid of shark attacks, so she really wanted to lay out at one of the pools belonging to a beach hotel, which makes going to the beach seem rather ridiculous, if you ask me. I did manage to get her in the water up to her waist, though, before I started throwing chopped up fish guts around her]. By the end of the first hour, the sky had turned black and we were not nearly drunk enough to head home. Given my track record for all things impulsive, it should come as no surprise that we decided to get matching tattoos.

Our last name starts with a Q... as much pride as we have in it and our heritage, you would think it's a powerful, mystical name, that simultaneously inspires awe and fear. All my aunts (5 of them) and many female cousins have changed their middle names to our family name once they get married, just because we love it so much. My sister and I decided to get matching tattoos using a logo my graphic artist aunt Susie had designed years ago.

My chickenshit sister that I love, who already has a tattoo, told me it was the most excruciating pain imaginable (she might opt for adoption instead of childbirth) and made me go first. It honestly didn't hurt...much. Well, and when I was a medic in the army, we used to practice drawing blood and giving i.v.'s to one another so perhaps my perspective is slanted. She called me a badass...and I liked it. She whined a bit when it was her turn (shoulder location, but opposite sides) but Sean told her she wouldn't get a certificate unless she piped down. I'm seriously considering framing mine and sticking it up on the wall behind my desk.

We are gonna be SUCH a hit at our next family reunion.

Time off for good behaviour?

Because my son has been gone for 28 days, and I haven't been to the grocery store in...29 days, I couldn't take my sister home fast enough Sunday for a fried chicken dinner (my ex-stepmom is an amazing cook).

We ate and were looking at old photos when two big delivery trucks pulled up to the house. The driver of one told us they had a furniture overstock sale and were driving in the neighborhood with unbeatable prices. I'd never heard of a moving truck sale, but it seemed belieavable enough...I AM in the south now...so who knows. I fell in love with this bench to put at the end of my bed and wingback chair and loveseat that would go perfectly in my rental house, BUT the man was only set up to take cash or check. I decided I couldn't live without the bench, took it home, and was telling my dad what a great deal I got (sturdy, cherry legs, only $165). He asked me if I thought it was a bit suspicious...but it seemed like it was a good deal for stolen furniture (!!)

I asked my co-workers if that's common practice down here, and they all kind of looked at me like I only had 1/2 of a functioning brain cell. "Did you get a bill of sale?"

"Yes, of course, he also wrote his phone number on there in case I changed my mind about the other stuff I loved...and there's a two-year warranty if I have any problems..."

Needless to say, when we called the number, there was no such furniture store, just a perplexed woman at the other end of the line. Looks like I'm in the stolen bench business...but look how cute: