3.22.2011

Death Plan, Rev 002

Morbidly, perhaps, I've been overly interested in my own death for most of my life. Ready for a do-over at 42. Doesn't everyone have a top 5 of preferred demises?

1. free-fall over a cliff in a '72 Jaguar (while Cat Stevens plays in the background. Thank you, Harold and Maude).
2. drug overdose (minus the vomit)
3. airplane crash
4. mortal gunshot wound
5. electric chair (without the guilty verdict/jail time)

Over the years, I've come to the realization that this life isn't so bad and fear, instead, the possibility of surviving a medical calamity, destined to spend years paralyzed and dependent on others.

Though I've been taking blood pressure medication for two years, I apparently do not have a free pass from the professional, personal and financial stress I internalize. The numbers are still dangerously high, and frankly? The possibility of a stroke definitely ranks last on the death list.

6 comments:

Tony said...

CQ: The Feds won't let you go that easily. Is that the laid back plan for tax filing? The Stones do look a little strange with this video.

Laoch of Chicago said...

If your numbers are still high then you may not be getting the right medicines. Perhaps a different Doctor?

As someone who has had a stroke I can tell you that it is very unpleasant.

ColleenQ said...

TQ: The Stones were driving me crazy so I had to take them down.

Laoch: I reached the same conclusion myself - I don't like a doctor who tells me to wait and see indefinitely. I'm glad you survived your ordeal - I'm just too wimpy!

flooz said...

Isn't it strange--after feeling at least half-suicidal almost all my life, I am noting the same thing--not necessarily a desire to stay alive, but being unable to think of a suitable way to go. I rarely go to the doctor--they won't treat the things I want them to, and they want to treat the things I don't want them to (anti-smoking patches, for one). And let's get you off those tranquilizers, okay? And put you on some antidepressants that in later years might cause irreversable tremors, constipation right now, and whatever. I surrendered, with very bad attitude, to taking statins for a cholesterol count in the low 300s (just closed my eyes, wished for a positive effect, and took one). It's like a miracle--it seems to have turned my chronic IBS around! I guess I don't know everything. I truly hope you find something more affective in your case. One thing I feel like I do know now--my IBS was never caused by my reaction to stress and I never could have controlled it by myself. It seemed to me that sometimes they imply that we're causing our own problems, don't cha think? Anyhoo, best of luck with the meds. Hmmmm, I see the word I have to type for this to post is "snerm." I love that word! I mean it should be a word, an improvement on smarmy or something.

flooz said...

I am so sorry! I made my comment about my concern for you all about ME! I hate when that happens. I really just wanted to share that I've experienced some of the same morbid thoughts. I really do hope your doc finds something that gets things under better control for you.

ColleenQ said...

No worries, flooz! I find other people's knowledge and experience helps pull me out my own head, which is the scariest place to be. It seems to me that the medical field is filled with quacks, and maybe I should work on improving my health with less medication? It's a struggle, I suppose, but I keep hoping age brings wisdom...