I *heart* a jaded cynic

I brilliantly combined Walmart and Valentine's Day this year, kind of like plunging into icy Lake Michigan while simultaneously pulling a band-aid off an oozing, not-yet scabbed knee.

Entire aisles filled with candy, flower arrangements, and men holding giant red balloons filled with heart-covered stuffed animals and other cheap trinkets. Don't forget the brilliant marketing bastards at Hallmark.

I'll be inspecting worksites today, passing out little candy conversation hearts that say "bite me".


Anonymous said...

This is pookie again. You remember me, don't you? I'm not A pookie. I'm THE pookie. Surely, your remember.

We met in that little bar on Bourbon Street a couple of years ago. You found me devastatingly handsome and we proceeded to get drunk. We weren't even out the door before we were all over each other like minks in heat and we spent the night together in bliss...well, except for the part where you asked if what I was packing was a real weiner or a vienna sausage...which hurt me, by the way, but I made you pay for that slight by making your scream like a banshee with that special trick I did with my...well, you know.

You decided to call me pookie because...actually, I don't remember why, because I was coked to the gills most of the time, but I do remember those longs, sensuous legs, smooth as silk and you said: call me Maura, daddy. Which I did, remember? Tell me you remember.

I mean, how can you forget? You said I was the best you'd ever had. Were you lying just to get me to buy you that weedwhacker you said you wanted?

Christ, I'm so stupid. I thought it was real between us. But you've blocked my calls and...well, never mind. I found you. I love you. I need you (and some bail money), so call me...NOW..before I lose my virginity. Some of these bubbas are checking out my ass.

Love, Pookie

Anonymous said...

Pookie here again. I just wanted to tell you that we must have some kind of kismet because I, too, was in Walmart last night, witnessing the same Valentine madness. Of course this was right before I was arrested for exposing myself to that little boy in the toy departement, but, before then, I was looking at the flowers and wanted to buy you some.

Unfortunately, the ones I wanted were $28.88 and I hadn't bought my Bud Light and cigs for the night, plus I wanted one of those delicious bean burritos at Circle K and well, maybe next year, ok sweetie?

You don't mind if I think of you as "sweetie" do you? I've kissed that photo you sent me so many times, you know, the one where you're doing an imitation of Sheena Easton in that Prince video? Oh, baby. The things I could have done to that photo.

Anyway. Call me.

Your love slave, Pookie

Anonymous said...

Maura, hon. What gives. I need to get OUT of here. The Bourbon and Breakfast Special Morning til Noon happy hour is already in full swing down at the Dew Drop Inn. I've got the shakes and need my fix and dammit, woman, I need that little box I left on your nightstand and I need it now. Don't open it. Just bring it, here. My life depends on it.


Anonymous said...

Maura, babe. I just found out that you're not Maura Tierney, like I thought. Hell, I thought I was doing a tv star and come to find out I don't even know who you are?

No wonder you gave me those strange looks when I asked you to dress up in your nurse's uniform and give me an enema. Wow. I'm really depressed now. Does this mean you don't have any money?


Anonymous said...

Maura, sweetcheeks. No hurry on that bail money. Bubba just shot his cupid's arrow in my...well, nevermind, but I've decided to hang around here for awhile. I've never been someone's bitch before, but you only go around once in life and, anyway...

Happy VD, whoever you are.

TQ said...

Okay who is this CRAZY???!!! I know you have a strange sense of humor...but this, I don't get? And our V-day will rock! Bud Light and Xanax! YESSSSSSS =)

Anonymous said...

Crazy? CRAZY!!! Crazy in love, you mean. Wait a minute. TQ? I remember you. You're that stripper chick Maura and had the wild night with, aren't you?

Yeah, I remember you now. You were pissed because you had just gotten a boob job and were unhappy because one was bigger than the other. You were one sweet baby boo.
When you and Maura did that bed scene from "Wild Things" I about popped my cork.

Anyway, TQ, how's about us all hooking up together again? For old times sake, huh? I still have that g-string you stuffed in my mouth, when you told me to shut up or you were gonna castrate me. God, I love a woman who talks dirty.

Maybe you gals could swing by, pay my bail, and take me to your little party. And, Maura, babe: if you still have that box of my clothes you said you were going to throw out, would you bring my acid wash jeans and my Megadeath t-shirt?

Oh, man, this is gonna be one hot valentine's night for the pookinator.


Travel Italy said...

Buon San Valentino!

Hopelessly Aporetic said...

Coooool, looks like you got a cyber-stalker for v-day. ;-P

Hope ya have a good one "Maura"


TQ said...

I'm soooo happy we had an awesome Cinco De Mayo! Tequilla shots for everyone!

Candy~ said...

dude! I want a cyper stalker! that made me laugh!

Kelly said...

I left a comment, and it went the way of my Valentine. Disappered.

Thought you'd like to know I actually shopped at Wal-Mart on V-Day.

Bought a Hokey Pokey Elmo doll for a friend's daughter.

IT was grand.

Wishing you much love,