Instant karma

How to get your dad to drive 15 hours for a last minute father's day visit: overdose, spend some time in ICU, then have your sister given the authority to commit you to a mental institution for one year. Granted, there might be easier ways.

For the icing on a week full of beer, no sleep, and a passive dumping, I talked to Ed on the phone. The initial awkward topic was Patrick, which somehow evolved into his telling me that he was strapped for cash because he was buying a new house and moving in with his girlfriend. Too much information. "Great," I said. "I'll talk to you later. Bye."

During our marriage, I always assumed HE was the problem; the control freak that was lucky to have me. Ha. Turns out I'm the unlovable one, the girl that can't seem to find anyone else. Eight beers followed in quick succession, to wash down the bottle of beta blockers and a handful (or two) of Tylenol 3 that had been prescribed to him after knee surgery. Every attempted suicide needs irony, afterall.

Though there physically, details came later about the fire truck, police cars and ambulance ride to the emergency room. My auto pilot had no measurable blood pressure, so there was talk of a pacemaker. In the end they found an antidote to the beta blockers, which relived Patrick - he was worried I'd never be able to make microwave popcorn again.

Around 4:30 a.m., with a "stable" heart rate around 40 bpm, they wheeled me from the emergency room to the I.C.U. I realized I wouldn't be going into work and called in with a vague explanation of a history of heart trouble. Co-workers came to visit, bringing magazines and plants. Making small talk on a good day, is painful for me. Making small talk with i.v. tubes, heart and blood pressure monitors, and oxygen tubes in my nose while I unceremoniously vomit into a plastic kidney shaped bowl, is hell.

I feel like a fraud who doesn't deserve well wishes or concern - I did this to myself. Relatives and friends battle cancer, praying for more time, while I carelessly try to cut mine short. Why isn't there a life barter system? Watching my dad cry, thinking he failed, and knowing the hell my son and sister went through...depression, apparently, is better served with guilt.


Kelly said...

OMG. I hope A. You're alright and B. You never do that again.

I know life is harder, but you dying isn't gonna make it better for any of us, so please chase your beer with nacho's next time would you?

We celebrated my dad's birthday this weekend, and he is 61. Pray we'll get to 62. He might not. That's what I've been doing lately. While trying to leave Detroit.

Keep in touch.


and ps. you're not unlovable. that job post is being manned by yours truly.

JustJock said...

I have a t-shirt that says: INSTANT SLUT: Just Add Alcohol. I'll send it along. You can mark out "Slut" and write "Karma" over it.

Candy~ said...

I'm speechless. Please stay with us. We all should suffer together.

Wiz's Wench said...

well, too damn bad, missy...yer takin my concern and keepin it.

One day I'll tell you about how I made Wiz dump me by being a psycho crazy bitch for a day.

The worst pain in the world is heartache...but it does fade.

Meantime..this group of miscreants and weirdos loves you. No, really...we do. DON'T try that shit again, ok???

the mouse

kay said...

I'm sorry.

Do you need visitors? Because I could do it.

Wiz's Wench said...

btw, next time (after a NOT self-induced illness) hold the kidney shaped bowl out and say "Hey, what do you think THAT is???"

Teresa said...

Pain sucks. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you.. Teresa

junquedujour said...

that JockFullOJism always knows what to say, huh?

well darlin', I have to commend you on having the courage to post this here amongst your groupies.
At least now we know how NOT to do it ;^)

I'm very glad you are still here (as are many) and hope that you will stay.

Darren said...

Can't wait till you are better so I can round up the usual suspects to kick your ass.

Lotsa love -D-

Lorna said...

Jeeezusss H Christ...they'll be NO MORE of that. I'm heading to the coast for a week but when I get back you better be alive and bitchin...remember I'll be checking. Email me at kerabootoo@hotmail.com if you want to bend an ear. When I get back we can talk and I'll even tell you my real name..oooo...can you stand the excitement???
Drop me a line if you're feeling the least bit inclined to have another go. Though I'll be away for the week the breathless wait for my august reply will help you pass the time. Seriously I would like to help if I can.
Stay sane!

~Vital~ said...

Indie, I'm sitting here shocked. I have always admired you and still do. You are always a very funny well adorable person. You can't measure yourself by a man's feelings, they're only as deep as the man's penis is long, sorry guys(Jock you are excluded from this, as much as I know he loves his penis, he has evovled beyond it...a rare thing in a man). haven't you ever noticed that when their penis starts pulsating their heart starts to beat, but as soon as the pulsating stops they have a hard time remembering a name? Women are sthe stronger more complex supreme being. We were put here to guide men, thats why God gave them a penis, it's the handle we are suppose to lead them around with....
indie, I guess what I'm trying to so is, your a very lovely woman and anyman would find himself lucky to call you his, but you are more than that. You are complete before any man has claim on you. Your strong, stronger than you give yourself credit for, your smart, your funny, your loving and you are loved by many...your beauitful inside and out...you are the complete package. Don't ever forget that.

AlabamaGal said...

I am so glad you are ok. Sometimes situations just get you down, but please take care of you sweety, no matter how frustrating things get. You are precious and loved. You're special to me. I am positive that you will find the right person with time. Your ex lost a good thing in you.

Life is yours and waiting to be lived with a brighter future. :)

Sorry I am behind on reading blogs and just read your entry now.

((big hug))

Love ya,