11.05.2009

A Tale of 3 Ex's

Approximately 10,000 people work on my military installation. James wouldn’t tell me which airfield he’d recently been transferred to (see? why be so secretive if you have nothing to hide? I'm that crazy?), but did mention his supervisor’s supervisor was my ex-boyfriend Christian. Where art thou, vindictive soul?

One of my biggest fears in life is my son Patrick getting married, and not having a date (me, not him. He’ll have a wife, poor thing. Her, not him). I imagine myself standing around, socially awkward, getting drunk and belligerent, while Patrick’s dad and new wife look over and whisper about what a lonely, fat loser I am.* I met ex-boyfriend Dalehole last week for dinner while he was in town for 2 weeks worth of training. He could barely stop talking about his new girlfriend long enough, but I reminded him of our deal involving his being my amazing date for this future wedding disaster. He reassured me that NO MATTER WHAT, he will fly in and be my hot date. I can only hope the deal includes fake affection, whispered inside jokes and hand-holding, woo!

*people wonder what insomniacs think of at 3:00 in the morning? This is the kind of boundless crap running rampant!

A few weeks ago, Crazy Dan dropped off a chilled bottle of wine on my doorstep. I didn’t have his phone number after all the drama with Lise (I think she hit him in the eye with his phone, then tossed it out in the woods), but emailed him to let him know it was sweet. I was seeing someone now, though, and not to bother in the future. He emailed back, telling me not to flatter myself then called me a whore. What am I missing from this exchange?

Sometimes I’m relieved I was married for fifteen years. Imagine all the baggage I’d have if not…

7 comments:

Kelly said...

Men suck.

I mean that in the best way possible, but I too have racked up some excellent bad date stories. Just hoping to meet somebody before I offically turn old and bitter. :)

I know it's not the same, but I love you.

DavidShag said...

I hardly dare write, being a man and all - but I can tell you some ugly woman stories. The fact is that dating, which should be fun, is more like war. In fact, I am not sure war is more fun. Still I did think the chilled wine to whore leap was kind of funny (the way you tell it, not in real life). And if anyone thinks you are a fat loser, assuming your pic is recent, than he or she is astigmatic at least. You are noticeably unfat. Anyway, weddings are never fun...

terri said...

It's not the same with me, either, but I love you also.


And omg - you still make me spit wine all over my keyboard with your rendition of mankind and their ridiculousness.

(You ARE noticeably unfat. I don't know whether to be proud or jealous.)

My word verification? Panti. In italics.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Actually it can be argued that it would be much better to go to such a wedding alone rather than with a loser and to conduct yourself with grace, dignity and elan, happy and complete in your own company. This would allow you to show the superior, self sufficient and intelligent person that you really are. It is quite lame to show up with some jackass who you do not like or respect.

Hoping that you will have a peaceful Holiday season.

ColleenQ said...

Kelly/Terri: you're both obligated to love me - sistherhood support! Thank you, though, I feel the same way and thank GOD I have a few normal female friends!

David: hmmmm...maybe i should be considering QUANTITY of dates for this wedding - wanna come along? ;)

Laoch: actually, Dalehole is the ultimate date. He's beautiful, an engineer, an apache pilot (same as my ex), used to be a gymnast in college in Ohio, and can hold a conversation with anyone. I would be the belle of the ball! Trust me, my social awkwardness would overshadow any positive dignity I might possess...

ColleenQ said...

DavidShag: I know your name...from MSN? Somewhere else? I keep trying to click on your Blogger Profile because you have such insight AND can spell, but it says it's not available. Are you saving yourself for a novel?

Haphazardkat said...

LOL @ crazy Dan!

I tremble writing comments to you as I am a notoriously BAD speller!
...did I spell that right?? *crap*