A fool and his money are soon partying

To end the year with a bang, I cashed out my 401K retirement fund rather than roll it over to my new employer's program. It was down 38%, which I could've done all by myself and enjoyed a whole helluva lot more. I laugh in the face of penalties! Well, that and common sense.

I'll probably remember this day when I'm 65 and want to kick my own butt...

Merry Hana-Kwanza-Mas Festival!

[Crackhead Kennedy sitting atop a family heirloom/Budweiser wooden crate Christmas gift to my son...between that and a post-dated check, I'm guaranteed a slot in the mother of the year selection for 2008. Surely.]

I say BAH, you say HUMBUG!

$98.67 to ship Christmas packages to arrive Monday. That would buy six twelve-packs of Bud Light or eight boxes of wine. Is it any wonder I hate the holidays?

Next year, gift cards. Period.

[And an expression from my grandmother Hope, via my dad from an out-of-town parking lot internet connection: "I have a dual personality, not a split one." That would explain a lot.]

Abby Normal

My dad, hands down, is the quirkiest individual I know. Oh, sure, it's funny when, once a year, he cancels his phone, internet and cable services. Any idea how frustrating that is for his drunk-dialing descendants living in different states?

I called to harass after receiving his "preparing to disconnect" email, and was eventually able to leave a voicemail (after dialing a series of previous phone numbers), "How do you expect me to be normal* when you set this kind of example? Huh?"

*which is funny, actually, because I've never been a big fan of "normal". It seems like a synonym for boring.

He took my message and transferred it to his portable voice recorder, to serve as a reminder - go normal! Am I the tiny voice of reason in his life?

Mon Ami

Why do I always think I want to be friends with ex-boyfriends (to fill the void after another ex has returned to his home in Ohio), but after they show up at my house with a big wad of chewing tobacco between cheeks/gums to help pick up a Christmas tree, then fall asleep while watching football on my couch and start snoring so loudly I have to go into another room, it occurs to me: what the hell was I thinking?!

Sacré Bleu!

I couldn't possibly write another bitchy email to Ed bemoaning the fact that he has all the Christmas trappings, ornaments and candles from 15 years of marriage, while I have an assorted, tangled group of randomly blinking lights and no lids to pans. Not tonight, no, but tomorrow looks pretty good.

(I've started hearing little French phrases in my head at odd times, which is weird because I don't even speak French).

Hot mess of a train wreck - that'd be me

My parents have been divorced for over 25 years, and they're probably better friends now than when they were married. It doesn't seem weird that my mom would cook the best Thanksgiving dinner spread, and invite my dad and his wife, along with Patrick & me. This may be the root cause of my skewed view of the universe.

I met Patrick in Atlanta, then continued the drive to Michigan with all the rest of the holiday travelers and state troopers. As we drove through Ohio, I thought of Dalehole, and wished I knew where he lived so I could pull up in his driveway and suprise/scare the crap out of him (it's a weird stalking issue or odd sense of humor I have, but it's under control. Mostly). Instead, he called me!

I usually don't answer when he calls, but occasionally I will, if only to practice proper tones of aloof and casual disdain. "Who is this again? Dale? Oh, yeah, yeah..." Really, why would I want anyone, especially him, to know how hard I fell, and how much it hurt when we stopped talking? Reject me? I think not.

He told me he'd be in Alabama for two weeks - did I want to hang out? Grab some dinner? Go to the beach? Sure. Whatever. Maybe if I wasn't too busy.

We've been together since Friday afternoon.

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

- Marilyn Monroe

Alright, already - I'm home